Carson

Warning: This is going to be long.

I have diagnosed Carson as having ADHD - Predominantly Hyperactive-Impulsive Type. Now, obviously, I'm just kidding, sort of, but sort of not. I mean, I'm not a doctor and I really don't know very much about ADHD, but from what I've been reading on the internet about signs and symptoms of ADHD and how to help kids deal with it, I am positive that Carson has it. I did talk to his doctor about it the last time he saw her, and at that time she said he was probably borderline. His behavior has gotten much worse lately, which is why I've been checking into it.

His behavior has been getting worse and worse, and in the last couple of weeks he has been almost unmanageable. Last week was really bad and it led us to really re-think the way we deal with him. He was in trouble at school a lot last week. Thursday he came home with his daily note from his teacher saying that he had had a very bad day. Then after school he was very wild and out of control at home. That night as I was putting him in bed I told him that the next day after school we were going to go to the zoo, but that he could only go if he got a smiley face at school. I told him that if he wasn't good at school I would drop him off at Grandma's house and I would take Hayden and Amaya to the zoo and he wouldn't be able to go. He started crying and said, "I want to go to the zoo." I said, "Well, then you had better be good tomorrow." He said, "But I can't be good."

The next morning something happened that set him off (I can't remember what it was) and he had a major temper tantrum. It was almost time to leave for school and he just stood there and screamed at me, "I AM NOT GOING TO SCHOOL! I HATE SCHOOL!" I said, "You don't hate school." He said, "I do, too." I said, "Don't you like going to school and seeing your friends?" He said, "Yes." I said, "Don't you like doing your work?" He said, "No." I said, "Don't you like your teacher?" He said, "No. She's mean." I explained to him that his teacher is not mean, but it's very hard for her to teach all of the kids in his class when she is always having to deal with him disrupting things. I told him that all of the attention she gives him trying to deal with him is taking her attention from the rest of the class. He did end up going to school, but he was not happy about it.

After he left for school I really started think about everything that has been going on with him lately. The two things he said that really bother me are: "But I can't be good," and "I hate school."

The fact that he says he can't be good really convinced me that sometimes he really can't control his behavior. I think he is so hyper that sometimes it is physically impossible for him to sit still. His teacher said a lot of times when she is up in front of the class talking he is climbing on top of his desk, crawling underneath it or walking around it, when he should be sitting down listenening. His desk is moved away from the rest of the class because he is always bothering the other kids when they are trying to work. She said that he seems to be listening to what she is saying, so she just ignores the fact that he is moving all around. At home when he's telling a story he is constantly moving. He'll sit down for two seconds, then stand up, then bounce on the couch, then walk around. It's actually very tiring listening to him tell a story. Those are only two examples of his hyper behavior. I have many more, but I'll stop there.

The fact that he says he hates school is a real concern. He has always loved school. He has even faked being well when he was sick just so he could go, only to puke at school and have to come home anyway. He's done that more than once. Lately, however, he has faked being sick to avoid going to school. I think if a kid starts hating school when they are only in 2nd grade they are going to be doomed unless things change. Usually kids don't start hating school until middle school or high school, right?

Another thing he does that is way out of character for a child his age is he has full-blown temper tantrums. He yells, throws things, slams doors and lies down on the floor and kicks his legs like he's a two-year-old.

There are a lot of little things he does, too. He's really smart so at school he finishes his work really fast, but sometimes he is in such a hurry to get done that he makes really simple mistakes or leaves some answers blank. Whenever I point those out to him he comes up with the right answer every time. He doesn't really listen when I tell him to do something. I can say, "Will you please go downstairs and get a roll of paper towels off the shelf?" He'll say, "Yes," and head off downstairs. A few minutes later he'll come back and say, "What did you tell me to get again?" He's smart and things come really easily to him, but now he's started to avoid doing things that require effort.

I could talk about his behaviors forever, but I won't. We've really been trying to come up with some ways to deal with him differently. I've come to the conclusion that he has the temper tantrums because he's so frustrated he doesn't know how to handle it. He'll get punished for certain behaviors that I now believe he can't control. I believe he knows he can't control it, and to get punished for something he can't control just gets him frustrated. We've stopped punishing him for most behaviors. Now, if he does something like hits Hayden or teases Amaya he'll get punished, but if he's climbing the walls (he literally climbs up the door jambs to the ceiling) or is bouncing off the couch or is beginning a tantrum because he's been told he can't do something, we quickly get his attention focused elsewhere and distract him from his annoying behavior.

Two examples of the way we're changing our ways of dealing with him are: last Friday Mike told him if he got a smiley face at school then they would go play outside after Mike got home from work. Well, he got home from work late and by that time it was dark and freezing cold outside. As soon as Mike got home Carson started getting ready to go outside and Mike said they weren't going to because it was too late and it was too cold outside, but they could go out the next day. Carson started to have a tantrum and yelled at Mike, "But you said we could go outside when you got home from work!" Mike stopped and thought about it for a second and realized that he did promise Carson they would go out, so he said, "Okay, we can go out, but it's only going to be for about 15 minutes until dinner is ready." That satisfied Carson and they went out and when they came back in Carson had a great night. The other time was Saturday morning. The first thing he wants to do in the morning is play video games. I always make him wait until after breakfast because otherwise he won't eat. He needs to eat a lot because he's only in the 10th percentile for weight. It always turns into a big deal with him yelling and crying and me threatening that unless he calms down he won't play video games that day. So Saturday morning started off like every other Saturday morning with him wanting to play, me telling him he had to wait until after dinner and him starting to have a tantrum. I quickly said, "Why don't you help me with breakfast and then you can go play." He stopped mid-tantrum and said, "Okay." So he helped with breakfast and he had another great day. I've been having him focus on my face when I tell him to do something, and it is working. He doesn't forget what I've just told him 10 seconds earlier. When he's been very hyper in the house and won't calm down, I've been having him take Spot outside to run around for a few minutes, and it seems to be working. He's a little calmer when he comes in. We had the best weekend we've had in a long time. And then he got hurt.

He even got a smiley face at school on Monday. His teacher wrote in her note, "Carson made a good choice today. When the play got rough, he left." Well, yeah, he left because he had a broken collar bone! It's kind of hard to continue playing rough when you have a broken bone. I've come to the conclusion that it was just rough play and not the other kid picking on Carson, although he still insists the kid was being mean. His teacher witnessed the behavior right before it happened and right after, and she had already told the boys to stop playing so rough, and they didn't listen. Then Carson got hurt.

I actually feel guilty about saying this, but the last two days have been wonderful. Carson has been so quiet and calm and not causing problems. I know it's going to wear off when he feels better, but I'm going to enjoy it while it lasts. It's kind of hard to be obnoxious when you're in pain and can hardly move. I think he likes being waited on hand and foot, and he's been watching Star Wars movies constantly. I do feel bad that he is in so much pain. He is getting frustrated because he can't do normal things, but he's been great about not using his arm and about taking it easy. He is starting to get restless, though, and wants to go to school tomorrow. I think I'll let him, but I'm going to tell him that if it starts hurting to much or if he's tired he can call me and I'll come and get him early. I need to call the school in the morning to find out if I can take some pain medication and leave it at the school in case he needs it, or if he can call me and I can come and give him a dose of it. I'm sure he's going to need it tomorrow because he'll be up and moving a lot, which he's not used to.

Yesterday I talked to his teacher about the incident, and while I was on the phone with her I told her about some of the changes we've made in the way we deal with him. I gave her some suggestions about things she could do to help him be better at school, and she agreed to try them. I want her not to punish him when he's being hyper, but instead give him something to do around the classroom, like run something to the office if she needs something taken there, organize the books, clean the chalkboard, anything where he can be up out of his seat moving. She said she could even just send him to another classroom with a pencil for the teacher, something simple. When he's done with his work, he has plenty of choices of things to do, like reading books and taking a test on the computer, doing a math workbook, working on the report he's going to do about Star Wars, but sometimes he just can't sit there and do school work, so I think if he can be up moving around he won't be bugging the other kids. I also told her I don't think it's a good idea to keep him in for recess if he's getting out of his seat and not minding. He needs that time to burn some of his energy off. I've noticed that when he has a good day at school, he's good all day long and when he has a bad day at school he's bad all day long. I think on his bad days, being made to miss recess and sit at his desk just makes things worse because he can't burn off his energy and he gets frustrated.

Anyway, I am still going to be researching different ways to deal with him and there are a few books I want to read. I figure if his teacher, Mike and I can train ourselves to focus his energy elsewhere when he's not doing what he should be, then eventually we can teach him to do it on his own. He's such a funny, loving, energetic, smart boy that I don't want him to feel like he "can't be good." I want him to learn to harness his energy for good things and feel good about himself and not be so easily frustrated. He is a very special kid and he needs to know that. At his parent/teacher conference a few weeks ago his teacher told us, "Some day when he finds the cure for cancer I'll be able to say, 'I once was his teacher.'"

He is sleeping next to me as I type this (yes, even though he's getting big I still have him sleep with me if he's sick or hurt so I can keep an eye on him) and staring at his cute little freckled face makes me so happy he's mine. Even though he's my oldest child, he's still my baby. I can't wait to see just how bright his future is going to be. I know he's going to do very good things when he grows up. As I tell him every day, I love him more than the world.