My Kids Are Brats

Don't get me wrong, I love them more than anything and think they are the cutest kids ever, but they have behavior problems. I'm not going to be one of those parents who thinks their kids are perfect and pretends that everything is fine. I do have to say that their bratty behavior is mostly at home. When we go out to a restaurant or the zoo or to other people's houses they are generally well behaved. The only people who really know how bratty they are are my mom and some of my friends, because they can hear them being bratty when I'm on the telephone. Also, before you think my kids are too bad, they generally aren't as bad as the kids I see on the TV show where the nanny comes to help people get control of their kids.

Here are some examples of the types of behavior we have to deal with: Mealtimes are a nightmare because all they do is fight and tease each other, and if they happen to be in the kitchen alone, they will even throw food. Mornings are a nightmare because they would rather goof off than get ready for school. Pretty soon mom and dad are yelling at them to get dressed, or get their back packs ready or get their coats and hats and gloves. It is a major fight to get them to clean their rooms; although I have to give some credit to Hayden because since we organized his room he has been much better. They are constantly teasing each other and fighting and hitting each other and calling each other names. They talk back to us and don't listen to us when we tell them to do something. Sometimes when I ask them to do something they will actually just stand there and say, "No." I can't believe I have kids who will talk back to me. That is totally unacceptable.

Most of the bad behavior is coming from Carson and Hayden. The bad behavior Amaya participates in is mainly the mealtime fiascos and the fighting, teasing and name calling. She really knows how to tease her brothers and get to them. I want to put a stop to it before it gets really bad, but actually right now it's pretty funny when she teases them.

Now before you think they are all bad, I feel like I should give some examples of some good things about them. They really love each other and when they aren't teasing and fighting they actually get along well. They play really well together and they are always hugging each other and telling each other that they love them. They are very loving. They are always making pictures for Mike and me and writing, "I love you" on them. They love to go visit our elderly neighbor lady and take cookies to her or put her newspaper on her porch if the delivery person put it on her sidewalk, since she can't walk down the steps. If I'm in the middle of an organizing project, which I have been a lot lately, they are very willing to help me out by picking stuff up or carrying things to different areas of the house. They love to read books to each other and play games with each other. So although they can be brats, they have a lot of great qualities, too, which is why I know there is hope.

But Mike and I have had it with their bad behavior, so I've been trying to think of a good way to get them to behave. I think I've finally come up with it.

First of all, yesterday I made a Student Control Journal for Hayden. Carson already had one, and in the past has gone through different stages of being really good at following it to ignoring it. I realize I need to remind them a lot to look at it and follow it if I want them to always do it. I customized the routines in the Control Journal to follow the things they need to accomplish every day, and I think it will work out great. After I made a big deal out of their Control Journals and explained how it works to Hayden, they both seemed really excited about them.

We started this morning with the Morning Routine. They actually got all ready for school on their own with no nagging or yelling on my part. They were even ready for school early. We actually had time for each of them to sit down and read a book to me before they left for school. There was no fighting, no teasing and everybody just quickly and quietly went about their routines.

I also made up a Reward Chart for each of the boys. I haven't decided what to do for Amaya yet, but it really isn't urgent at this point to do it for her. I am going to make up some sort of Reward Chart for her, too, so she doesn't feel left out. The Reward Chart is good for one week, starting on Sunday and ending on Saturday. I just made a simple table on a word processing program and put the days of the week across the top and the categories down the left side. I made them colorful and put each boy's name on the top. Obviously for this week I am blocking out Sunday to Tuesday since we aren't starting it until today. There are 12 categories on the chart which include things like: mealtimes, routines, chores, being respectful, no teasing and fighting, etc. Each day they will get a sticker for each category they accomplish without bad behavior. I don't expect them to be perfect, especially in the beginning until they get used to being good, so I am going to require them to get a sticker in 8 out of 12 categories each day to get a reward. If I can tell it is really working I may up that to 10 out of 12. I will never have it be 12 out of 12 because I don't want them to stress out about having to be perfect. The reward for each day will be that they get to pick something to do, whether it be playing a game, coloring or anything else they can think of, with just me. I explained what the reward is going to be and they thought it was a great idea. They like doing things with just me sometimes, but it's sometimes hard to do that with three kids. Usually we always just do things together. Sometimes I'll do things alone with each of the kids, but I think having it happen daily (I hope) or almost daily will be much better.

At the end of the week, if they've gotten a daily reward each day of the week, then they will get a larger reward. Each week it will change but I will decide at the beginning of the week what it will be. It might be that I will take them to the bookstore and buy a book, or I will let them pick a movie they want to watch and have it sent from Netflix (I have a membership), or go to the zoo or the botanical gardens (we have memberships to both), or play video games on the weekend. Most of the time it is going to be something free because I don't want to spend a fortune, and I also don't want to teach them that a reward has to cost money. There are a lot of fun, free things to do. This week I am going to let them pick a move from Netflix. They will each get to pick their own movie. Carson is already concerned about what if one of them gets to pick one but the other one wasn't good enough to pick one what will happen. I told him that if somebody doesn't get the reward, then when we watch the movie the other one will have to be in their own room doing something so they can't watch the movie. I hope he's not planning on being the one that doesn't get the reward.

So far for the two before-school categories they both got a sticker. As far as how they behaved at school, I am going to have to trust Hayden to be truthful about whether he had to go in time out or not. His teacher says he's pretty good, and he usually does tell me if he got in trouble, so hopefully he will continue to. As far as how Carson behaves at school, I get a note from his teacher every single day, so I will know if he was good or not. The reason I get a note from his teacher every day is another story, but at least I know what he did every day.

I am excited to put the Control Journals and the Reward Chart to work and see if it helps. I really think it will. I've done similar things in the past, but as soon as I can see that they are changing their behavior for the better, I stop doing it. I know that it is something that we are always going to have to do. Even if they get rewards every single day and every single week, I will stick to it so they won't relapse into the bad behavior.

Now I think I need to go make a reward chart for myself so I can give myself a sticker if I stick to my house cleaning routines, exercise every day, eat healthy, don't stay on the computer for too long, etc. If it works for the kids, maybe it will work for me, too.

At Least Some People Are Having Fun...

but it sure isn't me. I hate to say it this way, but work is totally kicking my ass, and I'm not very happy about it. I have way too much work to do and not enough hours in the day to get it done. Of course, since I can't keep up with work, everything else is suffering, too. I am really stressed out right now. The only thing that keeps me going is thinking about the money I'm making, especially since Christmas is coming up.

Carson's birthday is on Saturday and I haven't really even planned much for it. We are going to take the kids (he invited three friends, but since nobody knows what RSVP means I have no idea if they are coming or not) to do something fun and then have ice cream and cake, but I haven't even invited any family over because I don't have time to get ready. I'm thinking we'll have to have a family party maybe next week. That should be okay since nobody in our families is going out of town.

I am getting my hair cut and colored tomorrow morning (8:00 a.m., yuck) because my birthday is on Saturday, too, and I would like to try to not look my age. I'm depressed enough. I'm not depressed about my birthday. I love having birthdays. I'm not depressed about my age. I could care less about that. I am depressed about my hair, though, because there is way too much gray in it. I got my first gray hair when I was about 20 years old. I have to blame it on my dad because he got gray hair at a very young age. He always said he didn't care how gray it was, as long as he had it. The funny thing is that even when he had cancer and went through radiation and chemo he never lost a hair. I hope my hair hangs on like that when I'm older.

My house is a mess. I know my goal was going to be to have everything organized by my birthday, and I was on a good track, but work derailed me and now it's worse than ever. Since I'm doing to Organizational Challenge, though, I've got to get my butt in gear. I have been working on that room slowly, very slowly, so I've got to step it up a bit. I still have half a month left, but I have more than half the room left to do.

All right, I'm done complaining. Here are pictures of the people that are having fun.

Parent-Teacher Conference

Tonight we had Carson's Parent-Teacher Conference. I knew that academically everything would be fine, and it was. I also knew that behaviorally everything wouldn't be fine, and it wasn't.

Academically, he is doing great. He does all of his work and he gets most of it right. As I've been reviewing his papers since the beginning of the year, I have noticed that whenever he misses something it is because he rushed through it and not because he doesn't know the answer. I'll ask him the answer and he will get it right. I'll ask him why he got it wrong the first time and he says he doesn't know. I think it's because he knows he's smart and he is trying to whip through everything as fast as he can so he can goof off. One thing I am most proud of him for is his reading ability. He is a great reader and he loves it. I think it is very important to be a great reader and to love to read. Carson's teacher gave us a paper containing diagnostic information about his reading skills. He is in the top 1% of kids nationally in the 2nd grade as far as reading skills. Yes, I am bragging. He needs to start reading harder books because he is reading far above his grade level.

I feel it is very, very important to be a great reader and to love to read. Books are one of the best ways to get an education. My dad is the person that instilled my love of reading in me. My dad was a very smart person. He dropped out of college after two months and never went back. He worked for the railroad for 44 years to the day and his particular job didn't require a lot of intelligence. But he read constantly. He would read four or five books a week. Since he read so much he knew a lot of information about a lot of different subjects. I used to call him all the time with random questions that I needed help with for work, and each time I would call I would be sure I had a question that would stump him, but he always knew the answer. My dad taught me to read when I was three years old and I've loved to read ever since. When Carson was born my dad started reading to him from the day he was born. Carson would be snoozing on my dad's lap and my dad would be reading to him. It was so funny. Unfortunately, Carson is the only one of my children to benefit from having my dad around. My dad died when Hayden was two weeks old. He died of cancer and he was so sick by the time Hayden was born that he couldn't even hold Hayden. A couple of times we propped up some pillows on my dad and laid Hayden on his chest so he could talk to him, but he was so weak he couldn't even hold him. A couple of days before he died he wanted to read to Carson and Hayden, so Carson climbed up into bed beside him and we set Hayden in his carrier up on the bed beside him and he read a book to them both. I was lucky enough to get that moment on video. Even though he was only around for a few weeks after Hayden was born, somehow his love of reading even rubbed off on Hayden. Hayden is only in Kindergarten and he is already reading chapter books. A funny story about my dad is that six months before he died his doctor told him he couldn't drive anymore because he was on so much pain medication that it was dangerous. My dad agreed, but he said he would only drive to the library because it was less than a mile from home. The doctor told him that he couldn't even drive that short of a distance. My dad was so mad at that doctor. During the whole time he had cancer and was dying, that was the one thing that he was really ticked off about. The library was so important to him. So my mom would drive him to the library and drop him off and he would call her a few hours later and come and pick him up.

Getting back to Carson, since this is supposed to be about him, his behavior at school leaves a lot to be desired. He is disruptive because he talks when he's not supposed to, he bugs other kids and he doesn't mind his teacher. I knew that we would be discussing all of this at his conference. We spent probably two minutes discussing his academic progress and the rest of the time we talked about his behavior. I just knew we were going to come home after the conference and I would be very disappointed with the whole thing, but, surprisingly, I came home feeling very positive about everything. His teacher is such a great teacher. As we talked about his behavior she got Carson's opinion on everything: what he is good at, what he needs to work on, what his goals are and what he can do to accomplish those goals. She had him tell her specific things that might help him accomplish his goals, such as doing extra work or reading when he is finished with his work, sitting in a different seat so he's not around specific kids he's tempted to bother or talk to when he shouldn't be, and projects that he can work on during class. I really thought it was great that she was so positive with him and let him decide for himself what things should change to help him, instead of just telling him that he needs to behave better. I think the fact that the ideas were his (with a little help here and there) and that he knows he is in charge of himself will really help him change the way he behaves. On days he gets in trouble he will often tell me he didn't get in trouble, or he doesn't remember why he got in trouble. He has a planner that he brings home every day that tells what he did that day and that he can write down upcoming events in. We decided that each day at the end of the day he will write down in his own words how he thinks he did that day. Then his teacher will write down what really happened. Then if he was truthful about what happened he will get a sticker or a reward. That way we will know what really went on at school, and he will start to look at himself and the way he acts and he can focus on what he needs to work on.

Overall it was probably the best parent-teacher conference we've ever had and I am extremely impressed with his teacher. She realizes that he's a very smart kid and he needs help figuring out how to focus on certain things and she has come up with some great ideas on how to do that. Hopefully the rest of the school year will go smoother for him than the first couple of months have so far.

Everybody's Doing It

Today is the first time I've heard that phrase from one of my kids. Carson said it today when I questioned something he was doing. Luckily all "it" was was to take a bottle of water, poke a hole in the lid and squirt the water out and into his mouth instead of taking the lid off to drink it. What a relief.

Carson

Carson is our oldest child at seven years old. He is in first grade this year. He is very smart, not a genius, but very smart. Everyone that knows him knows that he is very smart and capable of doing just about anything he wants to. He loves to read and do puzzles. He loves to play sports, especially soccer. He loves to play outside riding bikes, his scooter, the toy tractor, and collecting bugs. He loves, loves, loves dinosaurs. He has so many books about dinosaurs and whenever we go to the library that's all he wants to check out are books about dinosaurs. He knows a lot about them. His room is even decorated with dinosaurs. We did a kind of "While You Were Out" decorating job on his room. He went on a little trip with my mom for about four days, and while he was gone we totally redid his room. It is painted green and has dinosaur pictures, dinosaur bedding and dinosaur decorations. He loves it and was very surprised when he came home. It was fun to do but a ton of work. He loves to draw pictures and is very good at it. Sometimes kids in his class ask him to draw pictures for them and he does. He is a clown. He is always making goofy faces and talking in silly voices. He still likes to cuddle with me and sleep in our bed sometimes. He still likes to sit on my lap, even though he is getting a little big. I'll let him for as long as he wants to, though, unless he's 21 and still wants to, then I think a little tough love might be in order. He likes to play video games and watch movies. We have been watching all of the Star Wars movies lately and he's really into it. He loves school and has a lot of friends there. He is the type of kid who makes friends really easily and is not mean to other kids. He is really nice and caring. He loves his brother and sister a lot. He loves playing with our dog. He loves to give hugs and kisses to his family and tells us he loves us all the time. He is a great kid and I feel really lucky to have him.

Now, I'm not going to pretend like my kids are perfect, so here's the not so great stuff about Carson. Even though he loves them he teases his younger brother and sister endlessly. He is always making his brother cry. He doesn't listen to a thing we say when we are telling him to do something. I can tell him 20 times to put his shoes on and he totally ignores me. One time it was in the middle of the winter with snow on the ground and we were getting ready to leave to go to Grandma's because I had to work. I had told him numerous times to get his shoes and socks on and he just ignored me. Finally, it was time to go and I didn't have time to wait for him to finally do it. I made him go barefooted to my mom's house. I did bring his shoes and socks for later. He was not too happy about having to walk out to the truck through snow with bare feet, but the next time I told him to put his shoes and socks on, he did it. He is hyper. He has had small troubles at school because of it. Luckily so far all of his teachers from preschool to first grade have figured out ways to help him settle down and do extra helpful things around the classroom to keep him busy so he doesn't do annoying things. If he gets really mad he will have a full-blown tantrum where he lays on the floor and kicks and screams. In my opinion he is way too old to be doing that, but I think it is because he is the oldest and is maybe trying to act younger sometimes to get more attention. We are working on all of these bad behaviors to try to get him to figure out different things to do when he is frustrated instead of being obnoxious. He responds really well to reward-type of things. If he behaves good for a certain amount of time he will get a sticker or things like that. We just have to keep up on it more. When we really use a reward system, he does really well, then since he is doing well we will slack off and his behavior worsens again. We just need to keep up on it and he does great.

Overall he is a great kid. He is happy and funny and loving. I love him so much I can't believe it.